From a Parent: Things I Wish I had Told my Biological Children about Fostering

This will probably be a rocky road at times:  While every situation is different, fostering will not always be an easy path.  There will be challenges and tough times.  But keep in mind that: (a) you are doing something that most people will not dare to do, (b) you are (hopefully) providing a loving, stable home to a child that is going through an extraordinarily difficult time, (c) you are still with your same family and in your same home (same school, same friends, etc.) – your foster sibling has had almost everything familiar taken away overnight, and (d) the positive aspects should greatly outweigh the negative times.  You must communicate with your parents regularly to talk about how you are feeling.

Nothing really prepares you for the experience:  It’s true.  You can read books, go through trainings and talk to people, but nothing will really prepare you for what is coming.  And every situation is different…  You may go to school one day and have a new stranger living with you when you get home.  You may face behavioral issues.  You may not connect to your new sibling.  You may have new feelings or behaviors that you aren’t proud of (jealousy, anger, being petty, being mean, lacking empathy, feeling that things are unfair, being sad, feeling trapped, etc.).  These are all typical things to go through and you just have to work through them with your parents.

There is no certainty in fostering:  The foster family typically gets information last, has the least say in how things proceed and has little control over the outcome of their placement.  Keep in mind that your new sibling is technically in the custody of the state and you are just a caretaker on behalf of the state – the primary goal of fostering is to (if safe) reunify children with their parents.  This may not be what you think is best for your new sibling.  You may think that reunification is best but the court may not agree.  Your case may run very slowly and take lots of twists and turns.  You are along for the ride and just need to do your best to allow the process to run its course.

Your new sibling may have different rules:  Keep in mind that your new sibling likely had different rules and customs in their prior living situation.  It is not fair to expect them to know all of your rules and follow them right away.  Also, your new sibling may need different rules than you – remember that they are going through a very difficult time and may have trouble adjusting.  It is easy to think that is not fair, but it may be necessary (just like biological siblings may have different rules at different times due to differences in age, behavior, special needs, etc.).  Try to have grace and not get overly worked up by this – try to put yourself in your new sibling’s shoes – things should even out over time.

There is a lot of bureaucracy:  Social worker home visits, visits with parents, medical appointments, court dates, limits on travel, etc. – your parents will be dealing with these, but these may impact your life as well as these are significant time commitments or restrictions and are not flexible.  Try to be understanding that the rules are different for your parents and you when you are looking after a child in foster care.

This is an amazing journey:  What could be more important than bringing a child in great need into your home during one of the most difficult times in their life?  If you are going down this path you are already doing something amazing.  Embrace that.  The rest will work itself out over time.  Try to have fun and not get hung up on the little things.  Hopefully you will have a wonderful relationship with your new sibling (for however long they are with you – maybe a day, maybe forever) – enjoy the journey.