3 Things I Wish I Knew Before Fostering

3 Things I Wish I Knew Before Fostering

 1.   Everyone deals with this experience differently

            Don’t rely on others to know and understand your situation and your feelings like you do. By expecting the people around you to understand your exact feelings, you will be repeatedly disappointed with your family and friends. No one will know exactly how you feel, which isn’t to say you can't connect with others who share similar experiences but it is to say that you will most likely have a very unique and challenging experience that others probably do not directly understand unless you communicate. Even people in your family who are living with you might not understand how you handled and experienced certain changes. This is why communication is a key and vital part of success as a foster family and sibling. Different experiences mean different stories and different lives that are special in so many diverse ways, but it also means you are individual, so sharing how you feel is the best way to get help.

 2.)   Choose your battles

            Through the fostering/adopting process, you will face many situations where anger and frustration are close friends of yours. This is a change that is so unique and challenging, as well as rewarding. Even with the countless pros of fostering and adopting, I can guarantee frustrating feelings and situations will not be strangers to your new life especially as you and your sibling(s) adjust. Not many people will experience and/or understand. Not everything and every day will be even close to perfect, and the best way in my experience to deal with this is to go with the flow. Trust me it is way harder than it sounds. Your home life has been turned upside down and taking a step back to just let things run their course is one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do. My family has been part of the fostering community for close to 7 years and I am still working toward being more lenience and letting life take its turns. So what does that have to do with choosing battles? Well, you will quickly learn that striving for perfection in the case of a new sibling is as impossible as it is frustrating. Not only will you be in torment with yourself, but the strive for perfection will push your sibling away.  No one's behavior has to be perfect and no small rule is worth more annoyance and frustration. I was definitely one to struggle with letting things go and choosing my relationships with family over control of something small. I had to realize that trying to perfect an imperfect situation was fighting for something I would never get. I learned that the more enjoyable path was a road that was lenient and very flowy.

3.)   Expectations

            Try to limit expectations throughout this process. Whether it's waiting for a placement in your home or expecting specific behavior and action within your whole family, it is important to keep expectations low. Now I know that sounds a little pessimistic, but it's actually a really beneficial quality to have in this process. I found that with certain expectations came disappointment. Suppose you are expecting your new sibling to be a certain way — I guarantee they are most likely not what you envision. Your new placement not being as you expected isn’t a bad thing, but you might find yourself surprised (which is an extra feeling that's not needed during this challenging process). In addition to expectations about your new sibling, expectations about family will probably come into play. I found myself expecting my family to understand and adjust to my emotions when I never communicated those emotions. If you expect your family understands your needs and wants to be happier in your new family dynamic, they probably won't change anything unless you tell them. Start from a clean slate with your new sibling and those around you. Don’t expect certain traits from a new sibling and definitely don’t set expectations from people who don’t know how you feel or what you need.    

 
These are three things I wish I had known about before my family and I dove into this process. It's a challenging but rewarding experience. I hope this helps!!

Sloane

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The Importance of Communication with your Parents